Rat Bastards

rat bas·tards (rāt bās'tərds)

Function: noun; party animals

Etymology: Middle English, from Old French, probably of Arizona origin; akin to Old Powellian catfish, Old Slurrian schist

1: any of numerous rodents (Rattus and related genera) differing from other party animals by considerably larger alcohol intake, zest for adventure and passing out on sandy beaches

2: something that is spurious, mentally irregular and of questionable origin

3: used as a generalized term of endearment amongst pack members when under the influence

There are over 50 species of rats, the most well known of which are the Brown Rat, Rattus norvegicus; the Black Rat, Rattus rattus; and the Rat Bastard, Rattus Partius.

The origin of the Rat Bastard is well known among the exclusive members of this genus. The transformation into a true Rat Bastard requires a commitment to long hours of inebriation, the ability to fit in with the rest of the pack and the purchase of appropriate attire. While many rodents aspire to be a Rat Bastard, sadly, very few have what it takes.

The Rat Bastard community, though controlled, is seeing gradual growth in numbers since the pack was first discovered in northern Arizona in 1999. Originally containing 10 members, the ranks have slowly swelled to more than 30. Observation of the pack is challenging but they can be spotted in small groups of two to six, and, at times, large dangerous packs of 15-20. The species makes its home in various areas of Arizona for the most part, although a few pack members can be found in other areas of North America (like California and Florida) and Europe.

Interesting habits of Rat Bastards include the wearing of ceremonial dress in assorted bright colors and two basic designs (see graphic). The pack can be observed at various times of day but appears to get more active in the evening hours. Activities observed over the years include strange musical sessions involving household cleaning tools. Ritualistic toe painting of older rats as they sleep. Tattoo rituals where members of the pack draw Rat Bastard hieroglyphics on their bodies. A ceremony that involves the raising of one arm while worshiping a small iconic figurine. And many more too numerous to mention here.

There is a growing interest globally by many party animals that want to make the transformation and become a Rat Bastard. While highly unlikely that one will qualify, it is possible to join the pack. Fill out the short questionnaire here and click submit. Qualifying rodents will have the opportunity to purchase a Rat Bastard ceremonial t-shirt and will be kept abreast of the latest movements and activities of the pack.